I’m reading Martha Beck’s book, The Way of Integrity, at the moment. In it, the author guarantees a method to find “a sense of purpose, emotional healing, and a life free of mental suffering”. Big promises indeed. As an academic in STEM, I have my qualms with the book – she refers vaguely to studies without citing them, touts her “psychic” and “magical” experiences as milestones in her own journey, and uses ambiguous terminology such as “heart” and “soul” that have different meanings for different spiritual backgrounds without describing an interpretation that is useful to a general audience that don’t adhere to any spiritual code. But Tig Notaro recommended it on the podcast she cohosts, so naturally I had to give it a go. I trust witty vegans more than I ought to, you may say, and you’d be correct, but at least I’m open about it.
In the book, Martha makes arguments in favor of passing our time on this earth doing the things and saying the things that truly align with our core desires and values, as opposed to a) doing the things we think we should do, or b) not doing the things we are afraid to do that would make us feel more whole. While I may have my reservations about Martha’s prose, I’m curious, and even hopeful, about the possibility that much of the internal conflict we experience may be resolvable if we can be honest with ourselves about what we want or do not want, set aside our apprehensions about what it would take to get there, and take the necessary steps one at a time.
If we could approach that friend, tell them how their impatience bothers you, and request that they try to be less terse with you, instead of ruminating about it or avoiding them.
If we could accept that money is the only reason to choose one job opportunity over another, that money doesn’t excite us, and that at our core, we would rather turn it down.
If we stop forcing ourselves to pass our time “productively”, but be frank with ourselves about what our true needs are outside of working hours, and allow ourselves to fill those needs.
I see a lot of parallels between the ideas in The Way of Integrity and the therapy modality of Internal Family Systems (IFS), in which you visualize all the voices in your head as different characters with an array of agendas to protect you, although following their suggestions tends to harm you instead. Integral to the theory of IFS is the concept of the Self, or the attainable version or part of ourselves we all have that embodies compassion, creativity, curiosity, confidence, courage, calm, connectedness, clarity, presence, persistence, perspective, playfulness, and patience (8 C’s and 5 P’s). I am not well read on the theory of IFS, but my interpretation of the concept of Self is the assumption that a part of each of us – though they may be buried and concealed by internal voices, dysregulation, compulsions, distractions, and unmet needs – is grounded and knows what is best for us at any given moment. The task of IFS therapy is to see through the fog of these misguided characters and to connect to your true Self when you’re feeling off-kilter.
As a recovering productivity addict, I am very well practised at disregarding the integrity proffered by my Self.
Self: “Your body is tired and sore and need to recovery today”.
My Type A Part: “NEVER – WE RUN AT DAWN!”
Self: “After 8 hours of working at mentally gruelling tasks, it would be advisable to wind-down and recharge for tomorrow.”
My Type A Part: “but we have friend to see and hike to do and musical piece to learn and German fluency to attain….”
Self: “You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m here for you. Make yourself comfortable and we’ll watch this feeling pass together”.
My Type A Part: “WRONG energy! We have shame ourselves so badly that we never do anything wrong ever again, and then make a bunch of lists to get it under control.”
You get the idea. My IFS Self is Martha Becks’s Integrity. On that Martha and I would probably agree. I think we would also agree that there is a lot of noise to work through to hear that integrity, and to lose our fear of acting on it. My Self says “baby steps”. My Type A Part says “immediate recovery from everything, everywhere, all at once”. My Self knows what I truly want to do, and believes that that is the truly right thing to do. Your “Parts” will be different from mine, but they’re still making a racket, barricading you from connecting with your Self, and jabbering endlessly about what you should do. Our task is to lean into want over should, to accept and appease the terror our Parts feel about the consequences of such a shift, and to lean ever further.
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