Aoife Henry

When I slip up for the umpteenth time in ED recovery,
or hell,
when I slip up in life,
when I slip up in this Type A Gremlin’s interminable pursuit of perfection,
when I behave like a normal fucking human being is wont to behave
…I bang my head against the wall in my brain
between here, where I am,
and there, where I want to be,
and try to scream but instead I whimper
… “what am I doing wrong?”.

I forgot
to leave space
for imperfection,
for tears,
for sad moments,
and anxious days.

I forgot
to leave space
for the kindness
I need then.

I starved myself for so long
of nourishment.

But I starve myself still
of kindness.

I don’t need the same tired militancy of rules and restrictions
I need gentle encouragement to dust myself off and get on with it
As my mother always would

I don’t need the familiar toxic fantasy of another body
I need to accept all of myself as I am
As Z always will for me

I don’t need to flee through distraction and self-destruction
I need to be reassured and held through the storm
As L has always received me