downer drugs, upper drugs, alcohol
porn, social media, online shopping
excoriation disorder (a.k.a. skin-picking), eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder
These are but a few of the ways we humans can (and do) compulsively and excessively consume substances or engage in behaviours to alleviate emotional pain for a blissful blink of an eye.
I am human, and therefore (as has been well-documented on this website to date), I struggle with habitual behaviours that don’t serve me. I have, however, shifted my perspective on the notion of “bad” habits, and how best to unhook from them. I’ll start with my former viewpoint:
My habit of […] is toxic, shameful, and deleterious to my quality of life. I must stop doing it now. If I just understand and see clearly how painful and damaging it is to continue engaging with this, I can resolve to stop once and for all.
my slightly younger self
My current, renewed, marginally wiser, and immeasurably more compassionate perspective:
My habit of […], or rather, my urge to engage in it, is a manifestation of an unmet need. It is like the mysterious new light on the car dashboard, indefinably indicating that some part of my mind believes that something is very wrong, and that it is a matter of urgency to self-sooth, distract myself, or try to control what I can, in the ways that are most familiar to me. It is not helpful to direct animus at these habits that serve as a distress signal for the same reasons that it Is not helpful to yell at the clouds for signalling rain. Distress and dysregulation are here, it does not matter what induced them or why. The habit is not the problem, nor is the distress that triggered the urge to engage in it. My challenge, should I choose to accept it, is to step back from my familiar, automatic, and woefully misguided coping mechanisms. To step back also, from berating myself for engaging in them. Rather, my challenge, is to take a breath, to put my hand on my chest or anywhere that feels soothing, and to unequivocally accept this cacophony of confusing and uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. My challenge, is to lean in to the feeling without drowning in it, and to ask, “what are you, why are you so alarmed, and what do you need to feel better?”, instead of running away, restraining it, manipulating it, or smothering it. I engage in these habits for a reason. Because no matter how much suffering they cause me in the long-run, they feel like the safer option compared to accepting and befriending the emotions and thoughts that terrify me. My “bad” habits have filled some needs of mine for a very long time, from a time when I didn’t know a better way to meet those needs. My “bad” habits, are just the hell I have called home, because I have been afraid of the storm outside.
my present day self
P.S. I could go on about the powers of emotional granularity, scheduled grounding practises, breathing techniques, soothing touch, gratitude, tapping, humming, loving kindness, observation, SNAP, and RAIN, and other such clever acronyms, but I think I’ll err on the side of poetry over inculcation and leave the denouement as is.
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