I’m ashamed to confess that I had an argument with my 14-year old, hormone-addled, and growing-pain-strained cousin. He made a number of claims (justified by little more than the fervor with which he stated them) that I disagreed with, and I declared my stance like a battlecry before striking his arguments with reason, supported by less fervent jabs from other family members who took my side. The culmination of this onslaught, along with the hormones and the growing pains, was a furious teenager who was probably swearing to himself that he’d run away and build a new life for himself in Mexico rather than see us at Christmas later this year.
The first thought I was confronted with once we all fled from the restaurant with our heads down, was that I’d f**ked up. That was no way to carry a discussion, least of all with someone of that age. This I acknowledge without any qualifiers. The second thought I had, was that “he doesn’t know any better, but I should”. I question this second sentiment. I should definitely strive to behave better in contentious discussions and will continue to practice more empathetically engaging with views I do not share. However, concealed in the belief that “he doesn’t know any better” is the adamant assumption that he is wrong i.e.:
bigotry (noun)
stubborn and complete intolerance of any creed, belief, or opinion that differs from one’s own.
and therefore inferior i.e.:
prejudice (noun)
an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason.
via the channel of:
preaching (verb)
to advocate or inculcate (religious or moral truth, right conduct, etc.) in speech or writing (possibly, but not necessarily, in an obtrusive or tedious way)
Like many others, I lost touch with the very reason I was attempting to convey, and thereby fueled the eruption of a discussion into an argument. By the time the lava had cooled and hours had been squandered on ruminating about my errors, nobody had changed their mind, our relationships were bruised, and our defenses were securely raised to any who dare challenge that viewpoint again. Such a waste.
If I spent all of that time ruminating, I thought that I may as well try to collect some learnings from the ashes. Years ago, I read a book called “How Minds Change” by David McRaney, which investigates the psychological barriers to changing your viewpoint and the tactics that expert crusaders use (and abuse) to win people over. Whether intentional or not, I think that the title of this book reveals an important nuance of its contents, because the title is not “How to Change Minds”. If you set out to change someone’s mind, you are very unlikely to do so. In fact, there are may tactics that are woefully ineffective in the pursuit of changing someone’s mind, a few of which I demonstrated last night with my undeserving cousin:
- Stating (shouting) facts doesn’t work.
- Telling (yelling at) someone they are wrong doesn’t work.
- Poking (tearing) holes in someone’s argument doesn’t work.
- Belittling (insulting) someone doesn’t work.
- Escalating the debate to the point where people are upset (fuming) doesn’t work.
When confronted with conflicting views, most of us Homo Sapiens have an ego that needs it to be known that we identify with another opinion, and to demean the person we have positioned ourselves against. We think of that person as lesser because they identify with the “wrong” opinion. There are two critical problems here. Firstly, we are assuming that we are right and have closed our minds to other possibilities, or to the possibility that those in disagreement are actually giving answers to a different, latent questions (i.e. Person A may express derision for a group of people, and Person B may think there is no cause for such hate, but Person A is in fact expressing a fear of change from a status quo they are comfortable in). That’ll be the bigotry. Secondly, we have started the conversation with a lack of respect for the other because of the conditioning and experiences that led to their opinion. And there goes the prejudice.
The people whose opinions and advice I trust the most, are the people who never try to project it. Even when I ask these people to share their wisdom on something I am grappling with, they just ask me questions to better understand what I need and to support me in uncovering the wisdom I innately have. In addition to dusting off my gleanings from McRaney’s book, I take inspiration from these trusted advisors of mine to practise:
Check that there is growth to be had in this discussion
I have witnessed trivial arguments raised and both parties dig their heels in about whether that flying object is a rocket or a plane, whether that man is a Sherpa or a Californian, whether you get free refills of soda in Ireland as you in the US, whether event X was in Y year or Z year, and so on and so forth. Why. Just why. Why strain your vocal chords, or worse, strain your relationships, on this dross. If the topic under discussion is one that aligns with your core values, it is important to pause and consider what you hope to gain from the discussion (and the hurt it may incur if you f**k it up like I did). If you challenge a view close to the heart and identity of another, you will always have entered risky territory. The alternative I am striving towards is to…
Ask questions, reflect back, repeat.
Try to understand what question they are answering, why they believe what they do, and what counterarguments they have to their own opinion.
Lose the preacher gown
You know your view. Sharing it is only of value, or can only ever be infectious, within a relationship built on trust and mutual respect. The other must trust that you are not trying to change or fix them, and they must feel that you respect them independently and irrespectively of their views.
Back down at first sight of furor
All hope for growth is lost once the dialogue becomes heated. De-escelate if possible, or drop it for now.
I’ll end my self-sermon there – I aspire to stop trying to change minds, and to move towards understanding and respecting them instead.
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