I have been in a jail of my own making for over about 15 years now
When you hit your upteenth rock bottom
When the last thread of control you had wrapped around your performance unravels
When you have solved and figured out all there is to understand about your brain, your unhelpful habits, your addictions
When you’ve done all that you can do alone, and it’s time to hand your recovery to the experts, your lies to your peers, your limitations to yourself.
When things have fallen apart.
You move through the grief of realizing that you have harmed yourself repeatedly, that you will never be recovered, only recovering. You release your grip on the time and pain lost to your addictions. You come to terms with a form of pre-determinism, that there was never another way than this one. You were never to dodge this bullet, and you were never going to be ready to get better until now. You relinquish your belief in, and attachment to, the hero’s journey that you so badly wanted to realize for yourself, one of committing to everlasting change and never looking back.
Once the wound of that grief has started to heal, you look at the mess you’re existing in, hidden so well for so long. All of the parts of you are scattered around the room. It’s time for a deep clean, and you can’t keep all of these parts, some so stale and heavy. Which behaviours do you keep, and which do you relinquish? Which goals do you hold on to, and which do you let go of? Who do you want to join the journey with you, and who do you want to leave behind?
There are the behaviours – the restriction, the purging, the binge-eating. Then there are the core beliefs – that I can enact the furiously independent, recovered hero’s journey, that I can be a normal eater, that I can lose weight. Then there are the emotions – the fear of dying alone, the shame-spiralling.
I rebuild myself from these parts. Slowly, there is no rush. The experts and the friends who now know everything are here to advise and help as needed. I must think carefully before shelving each piece. I must let go of the ones that I don’t have space for.
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